by Katrina Kaczmarek (reprinted with permission from (jn)courage)
I am writing today from my chemotherapy chair.
It is 2:15 and I have been here getting my juice since 8:00 this morning, but you know what? It is a beautiful day! I met a new patient. I see him every Thursday when here, he sits in a chair off in the corner, and sleeps. I have never spoken to him before, because he is asleep. I too have a regular chair that I enjoy sitting in, and today it was taken. This man’s regular chair was taken as well. We ended up sitting next to each other this morning, and we talked. Big surprise, I can be very talkative!!! I could talk to a tree if I really needed to for some reason.
He has stage IV colon cancer and chemotherapy every single Thursday!!!!! He has been having chemotherapy every single Thursday for two and a half years!!! There is no end in sight for him. His chemotherapy is happening in order to prolong his life. His attitude is amazing. He is young, and he still has younger children at home, so of course he is going to take all the treatment he can get. He just goes with it uncomplaining.
I have learned a lesson. There is always someone worse off than you (that part I already knew ) However, there is always someone worse off than you with a better attitude about life. How humbling for all of us. You can look around at people and think, man they have it bad, how can they be happy? Then you spend some time with them and you learn they are happier than you are!
When you first figure this out, you are getting close, because now you can start looking for true happiness. You have finally figured out you don’t have real happiness! Figuring out you have a problem is always the first step in the correct direction. Some of us go off and try the stuff, a bigger house, better car, more trips, new spouse or more things. If you take this route you will have a longer more painful journey because none of this stuff will give you that true internal happiness that you so often find in stage IV cancer patients.
Happiness comes from within, from God who is always whispering, “I love you, just the way you are. Turn to Me, please, I will wipe all the tears from your eyes, I will make you run without growing wearing, and I will satisfy the true desire of your heart, rest in ME! I alone can give you true peace and happiness”
I have told you this before, but today it bears repeating. When in medical school, I prayed to God, “God, make me a doctor, so that I can go into the cancer wards, and find the miracles. God said, “No, my love, I have another gift in mind, instead you will have cancer, and as a patient sitting in the wards, you will see the miracles that are all around!” My prayer was answered! Not in a way I would have ever imagined or chosen, but answered nonetheless. I am seeing the miracles, and for His glory and Him willing I will be one of those miracles as well!
So today instead of being upset, depressed, or angry, I am crying for joy and the only words I can think to utter are “Thank You God for loving me!!!!”
Happy Loving and Sitting!
Katrina is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ where she is raising two amazing kids. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two months after starting her blog, “Love Can Sit Anywhere” so she and her family are in the midst of the battle. Originally her blog was started as a journal about her search for God, but if you are interested in breast cancer, it has and will continue to make appearances, as she searches for God in the midst of disease.